three weeks & counting

so it's down to the home stretch on the competition. it is still anyone game, & part of that is because none of us has really blown anyone out of the water. jenn is in first place, i'm in second, then it's jack, angel, & jen all close to each other. now granted, the other three haven't weighed in yet, so anything can still happen with the numbers.

which begs the question, projections & predictions for the end of the competition. at this point in time i'm pretty sure that jenn'll win just because of the fact that she's been busting her ass harder than any of the rest of us on this journey. but she is also fond of reminding me that with three weeks left anyone could break through & be uber impressive, which is true also.

for myself? i'm really hoping to see the other side of 260 by the time santa visits my house three days after the end of this whole dealie. basically i need to push myself hard to finish strong. in order to reach that goal of the 250's i technically have just 6lbs to go, which is doable. & if you look at the recommended pace of weight loss that's on the high end, since most health professionals say that you should lose no more than 2lbs/wk.

don't get me wrong, if i can push myself harder & lose more weight than that i won't bitch, moan, or say 'no thanks,' not by any means at all. but i'm also trying to be semi realistic so that i don't get too disappointed.

& then again. seriously folks, how the fuck is it that the people on biggest loser can routinely lose double digits week after week & they can be ok? um, ok, well maybe it has a little something to do with having a personal trainer, living in a controlled environment, working out 4-6 hours a day & having 250 grand riding on how much pudge melts off your butterball body.

i'm really not bitter about the whole BL thing, i love those guys! i even auditioned back in winter 2004 to be on the second season, obviously i didn't get it, or else i may have been the skinny ass bitch with the ever so hot matt. they are a wicked cute couple, but just saying, ya know?

so wish me luck gang, i want the win, i want the money, i want the satisfaction!

week 6 results: just a day early

miss jenn & i weighed in a day early due to a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning that will prevent me from being able to do a pre-work workout/weigh in.

the good news is that i am NOT in the 270's again *do a little fat girl happy dance*

my weight is down four pounds from last week, small yippee on that, but jenn is also still kicking my butt by having lost 1.67% more than me, to date.

the bmi:
starting: 47.4
last week's: 46.2
this week's: 45.5

but it's a tick not a kcit, so i'll take it.

week 5 results

yeah, so i gained, again. now up to 269, just a mere pound away from the dreaded 270's, yet again. & with thanksgiving being yesterday i ate lots of stuff that wasn't great for me. this is so demoralizing, i'm almost thinking i should just hand the cash straight over to jenn & not even lead myself into the delusion that i may lose enough to win this thing.

kcit kcit kcit <---that, btw, is tick backwards

steel your will power, good people

& today, wednesday november 22, marks the end of normal eating for a six weeks. starting tomorrow my life will be inundated with deli trays of meat & cheeses, kugan, cookies, bbq meatballs, buffalo wings, sloppy joes, lasagna, lots of goodies of every ilk & flavor will be descending upon my house & my life. my family is even having mimosas tomorrow morning for breakfast. shoot, i'm in charge of picking up the muffins. add one more thing to today's to-do list.

but seriously, it does tend to happen this time of year. with thanksgiving begins the great eat-in. for six weeks it's basically non stop parties, pot lucks, family gatherings, dinner with friends, basically all of the major events that can lead to over eating. with the actual food opportunities i feel like it also has a lot to do with the feeling of entitlement, the weather, & the mood of the holiday season.

around this time of year most of us feel like, "well, thanksgiving only comes around once a year, i'll have just one more helping of grandma's stuffing, oh, & maybe just a tiny sliver of auntie marie's caramel apple pie, oh sure, a smidgen of ice cream on top of that pie would be fabulous." does this sound familiar to anyone? & then it's the same thing at every pot luck & party between now & the new year.

not like i'm saying it's right, because i definitely feel like i should be able to have better will power, after all, it's just food, right? & food should not have that much control over me. especially since lately food is falling short of my expectations. it's not tasting as good. & i think part of that is simply because i'm trying to, in general, eat better, there is some what of a dissatisfaction when i eat food that is really unhealthy. as if i can almost feel the negative effect that it is having on my body. now when i eat those "bad" foods, in moderation, just a small bite, then it's not so bad. i'm able to savor them, enjoy the flavor, & get on with my life. it's just sitting down to the whole meal that makes it less than satisfying.

tomorrow jenn & i are planning on hitting body pump at the Y in the morning. yes, the Y is open on thanksgiving day, just from 7am-noon instead of their normal hours of 5am-10pm. but they are having body pump, so we're planning on doing that. yeah, i know, it's crazy, getting up & exercising on the great american pig-out day. for heaven sakes, it's a national holiday! but i feel like in order not to go totally over board & eat like a pig & regret my actions, i need to get into the gym tomorrow morning, get a good hour or two workout in. because then when faced with a table full of my mom's wonderful home cooking, instead of piling my plate high, i'll have reasonable portions, enjoy being with my family, & keep that delicate balance of enjoying the holiday without becoming overstuffed.

i sincerely wish everyone a happy thanksgiving. i hope that you enjoy your celebrations, whatever they may be. & that you feel great about yourself waking up friday morning. & even if you do eat a bit too much turkey & fixings on thursday, don't hold it against yourself, & don't wait to january to hit the gym again & work on becoming healthier.

she just sounds like a fat girl

after our post-work grocery shopping trip last night jenn said she was craving ice cream from mcdonald's & it's only 100 calories for a cone, so why don't we swing by & grab one. of course i thought long & hard about this & before i knew it we were at mcdonald's & i was ordering two cones, nothing else, please.

so the theory was, it's just 100 calories, a nice little treat to keep us from binging later on & eating everything in sight. & it's ice cream so it's a very nice treat. & it was, indeed, a great theory. in actuality we have no idea how many calories were in those cones. we pulled up & the drive-thru guy handed us two humongeous cones. the vanilla ice cream was about 1 1/2-2 times the height of the cone & almost twice as wide. i think it was the biggest cone i've ever gotten from mickey d's in my life.

jenn claimed that the guy who took my order thought we sounded like fat girls so he gave us more ice cream. my thought is that it was late at night & they were bored & figured hey, let's get us a little show 'cause these chicks are definitely gonna have to pull over to take care of these bad boys.

it did get me thinking though, what does a fat girl sound like? i've been told i sound young on the phone, & that i'm a huge flirt & very sexy. but i've never been told that i sound fat. now if i was on a video phone, well then maybe i could see that because people would have the visual to go with my voice. but just voice? i know what old sounds like & i know what young sounds like. male versus female. all that jazz, but i don't know that i can say i know 100% for sure what fat sounds like.

being a rep in a call center i talk to a LOT of people, every day of the week. & for every person that i talk to i can kind of imagine maybe what they look like a bit, i'm sure that i'm wickedly off for most of them. but for all of them i just imagine them as basically average. average height, average weight. i don't really think of any of them as fat or thin. does that mean that fat is all in your head?

i saw an interview with the fantabulous bob from biggest loser on the tv guide website yesterday. he was explaining his approach to helping people lose weight. he said that he works from the inside out. that when a person is happy & healthy & beautiful inside then it comes out in their physical appearance. my favorite quote is "your body will follow where your mind goes." that, is deep man, super deep.

playin the game, baby

even though i really want to lose weight for my health & all those good reasons, i've lost sight of the fact that this farm people thing IS a game, & i haven't really been playing the game. i've been letting my little wants & desires for food & temporary satisfaction get in the way of the longer goal of kicking my competitor's butts & grinning like the cheshire cat on christmas day when i've got their money to keep me warm. hehehehehe.

so miss jenn slid into first place this past friday pushing me down to second as i gained weight & she lost. but i'm not even ticked or irked or anything like that towards her, but more disappointed in myself for not having the strength & the will power & the fortitude to put my chubby nose to the grindstone & push myself to win.

part of what's been mind-fucking me is the fact that i know that i need to lose weight to feel better & i want to do it, but i'm sacred that if i lose too much then my doctor won't send in a referral for the gastric bypass & that if i lose too much the surgery center will say that i need some more time to try this whole caper on my own.

then again, i have been trying pretty hard lately, & in the month since i was at hcmc last & my appointment last thursday i had only lost two pounds. two mother freakin pounds. yeah, that really made me a sad panda. i worked hard, ate mainly only those stupid lean cuisine meals & all of that work results in a two pound loss in one month. now isn't that a kick in the teeth! at that rate it would take me well over four years to lose the weight that i need to lose.

in either case, this is a competition & i've been lax. but this weekend i did change things up a bit. i went to the Y on saturday with the fabulous jenn & did a butt kicking hour & a half work out. we did cardio in two forms: elliptical & rowing machine, then weights & stretching. i was a bit sore sunday, but it was well worth it because it also made me eat less the rest of the day even though i was on a mini road trip. & i even woke myself up early sunday to do a 45 minute workout in the hotel gym & a nice relaxing soak in the hot tub before we had to get back on the road to head north.

so i'm going into thanksgiving week strong, now i just need to keep up my momentum & motivation so that come turkey day i'm not tempted to gorge myself & ruin all the hard work that i have been doing. besides, turkey day is the day before weigh in. & i need to pull a loss this week. can't let jenn get too far ahead of me.

week 4 results: warning boys- tmi ahead

yeah, ok, so normally i'm not one to bitch about the results of my weigh ins because i know that it's usually due to me being a porker & stuffing anything & everything fried, sugared, or sugary fried into my face & then sitting my ass on the couch for the scub-a-thon on comedy central. but this week i did mostly try. i didn't gorge myself, & i did decently on the workouts. my little trip to urgent care on tuesday did put me a wee bit out of the game, but i managed to get a workout in wednesday morning & get right back on the fitness thing despite the dizzy spells.

& i know i haven't been drinking enough water, but it shouldn't make much of a difference on the scale. so what perse am i bitching about today? what i'm bitching about is the fact that women have it so much harder in the weight loss game than men. let's break it down like this: so you try really hard, being conscience of what you're eating & exercising & week one you lose weight, yippee! then you keep up that momentum for week two & lose again, fabulous, you go on girl with your bad self. then week three, it's getting to be "that time of the month" & you start wanting to eat everything in sight including the walls of your cube & your keyboard, maybe with a little mustard for zip, & weigh in time you gain, mother fucker. then week four, you're bloated & cranky, still wanting to eat everything in sight, dealing with your period & it feels like someone is twisting your ovaries in figure eights just for shits & giggles, but you still hit the gym, try to eat healthy, & you gain again. double mother fucker.

so that's my bitch of the day & why i'm a bit cranky over my lack of weight loss, or rather my actual weight gain, two pounds up from last week. two FUCKIN pounds?! & then i've got my gang of cheerleaders at work & my mom at home swearing up & down that i'm losing weight or sliming down or something & the scale mocks me, taunting me, saying neener neener neener, you're headed for the 270's again, ha ha ha ha ha! & i'm feeling like it doesn't matter if i eat well or if i go & pig out on everything that i want, because it's not gonna matter either way.

& the bmi results:
starting bmi: 47.4
last week's bmi: 45.7
this week's bmi: 46.0

so here's my ticker with my pathetic backwards flying butterfly. can i get just one more mother fucker?! mother fucker. thanks.

week 3 results

i'm a sad panda : (

i had a gain this past week: half a pound. then again, considering i skipped working out four days in a row, ate like a pig & drank like a fish, a mere half pound gain isn't too terrible. i'm still in the 260's, which makes me happy, & being under 265 by thanksgiving is totally attainable still, i'm at 266.25 right now, so if i can just lose two pounds in the next two weeks i'll be g2g. &, overall i'm still doing well in the competition, i'm down a total of 9.25lbs, which is fabulous, & people at work are saying that i look like i'm losing weight. it really is nice to have that encouragement.

so the bmi's are:
starting bmi:47.4
last week's bmi:45.6
this week's bmi: 45.7


& tick tick tick me!

motivation

so how do you handle it when the spirit is willing but the flesh is totally weak & worn out?

that's where i'm coming from right now. i'm trying to get motivated to join miss jenn at the body pump classes at the Y, but i can't seem to get up enough gumption to roll out of bed at 4:30am & leave my house at 5am to pick up miss jenn & be to the Y in time for the wickedly early start time of 6am. yeah, that's early. especially when i work 'til 8pm & i've been going to the Y after work everyday for a half hour or so workout.

not like i'm asking anyone to pity me, i'm just not sure how much more a girl can do. i feel like i'm rarely to never at home anymore. i'm there just long enough to sleep, do my laundry, make my lunch & then i'm off again. & even though i tend to be a bit of an extrovert & i LOVE doing things & hanging out with my friends, i'm also the exact opposite in that i need to also have my home time & if i don't get my home time i get cranky. yes yes, totally opposite, i know. hi, have we met? i'm a gemini.

maybe i need to get my house in order & figure out a way to do more activity when i'm actually at home. that way i won't feel like i'm never there but i'll still be able to get in my daily workouts. that doesn't solve the body pump issue, but maybe it solves a bit of it. & then there's the fact that i own two soloflexes, two yoga mats, three exercise mats, & about sixty or so exercise videos/dvds. i seriously have enough stuff to open my own gym.

OH, um, yeah, so i'm definitely less than brilliant today. there is a Y kind of near my house over on the east side of st. paul, so i can definitely try to get over there for body pump. to be honest, part of it is that it's nice working out with jenn because she helps me push myself when i really want to give up. (did i mention on my lunch break she made me walk down to 1st floor, walk briskly for 15minutes, & then walk back up to the 5th floor???) & i know that i very well could do body pump without her, but what's the fun in not having my workout buddy there?

peek-a-boo i see you

so i took a little peek at the scale in the locker room at work today, & it read off 266.6 to me. hmmm. i think that scale runs a little "light" compared to the one at the Y, so i'm pretty scared for weigh in day after tomorrow. i really don't want to see the 270's again, EVER! unless the 270's we're talking about are me earning 270K/year, that i'm willing to accept, but not the poundage thing.

yeah *sighs* i know, totally my fault for being a huge porker this past weekend & eating all the junk food & then not working out for a few, ok FOUR, days. i did get a workout in this morning though, i did 33 minutes on the elliptical & then i did a WHOLE five minutes of weight lifting. yeah, the weight lifting is kinda not enough, but i can do some of that today at my desk in between calls & on my breaks & that. ok, so the weights at my desk are only 2lbs each, but that really adds up & you can feel it after you do a ton of reps with them.

maybe i'll put some more air in my balance ball & sit on that for a while too. i've heard conflicting reports about if that actually helps with strengthening your core or not, but i know that it does help me with my posture because i really can't slouch when sitting on one of those because i'll topple over, bang my head on the floor, & knock over my cube neighbor's wall & desk. & while that would be hilarious on a sitcom, i'm guessing it wouldn't go over so well here in the real world.

but, today's a new day, i woke up, i got to exercise. i was able to make my own breakfast, bathe myself, pick out my own clothes & dress myself. & all of that is more than some people can do. so we'll say it's a good day & go forward with the attitude that it'll be splendid. it's also beautiful weather outside, so i'm going to take a walk on my lunch break & actually get some of that wonderful fresh air before it gets so cold outside that my lungs get frostbit walking from the car into work.

losing steam

it's a hard knock life, sometimes. & boy i've been feeling a few bumps lately. i was SO perfectly angelic last week, with what i ate, & making sure that i worked out very often, & then the weekend hit & it's like some kind of bad habit demon hatched from my skin. & i ate junk food, & sat around on my butt, & got drunk. basically a complete & total 180 from where i had been on wednesday or thursday of that week.

right now i'm still feeling kind of off from my little trip into la-la land. i know that i need to work out again, especially since i had actually been starting, just a wee little touch of a bit, to have more energy from my workouts. & my obsession with food was waning. i mean, sure, i was bitching about not eating "real" or "good" food, but i was getting used to lean cuisine being my food. i won't even try to claim that i was enjoying it, even though some of the meals are not-so-bad.

what THEY say is very true, it's so much easier to be a sinner than a saint. what THEY don't mention in their nice little phraseology is that it's a hell of a lot harder to be in purgatory than to be a saint. &, when it comes to this whole weight loss farce, i feel i'm sitting square in purgatory right now.

i can't even think too much on the numbers, the competition, or any of that. admittedly, i really don't want to lose the bet, but for right now i'm just taking a look at this coming friday & hoping that i don't mess up too badly & gain lots of weight. i'm hoping, praying, that maybe i'll be able to just stay even. that would be really nice, to stay even.

&, for the record, i really must know, on what planet is it justice that you can gain ten pounds over night & it takes two solid weeks, or more, of working yourself to death in order to lose that amount of weight? god seriously has a messed up sense of humor. & that's all i have to say about that.

week 2 results

despite the fact that i've had a very bad self admitted weekend as far as eating & working out goes, i managed to pull in a pretty good number this week, which most definitely makes me happy. i lost 5.25 lbs this week, bringing my grand total of weight loss to 10.25 for the entire competition, thus far.

my competition is doing well too, miss jenn has been a literal demon when it comes to the gym & when we work out together & i want to slack i look over at her & somehow find that extra little burst of energy to keep myself going for the rest of the program.

it's odd, but while i'm happy that i've lost so much, it almost seems false. like i don't want to believe it too much or it'll all come back & bring twenty friends. it also seems like i'm so very far from my goal that it's nearly unattainable. also, i have mixed feelings about doing this whole thing on my own, because i'm looking to be a perfect canidate for gastric bypass, & if i keep losing like this i'll kick myself out of the "running" as it were.

it's a complicated thing. if my bmi drops below 40 then i'm not longer a canidate for surgery, but then again, i'm not sure that i have it in me to do this all on my own. but i'm also in this competition to win the money, ok, not the best reason to lose weight, but i'm not ashamed of saying that lots of it right now is about the lincolns.

starting bmi:47.4
last week's bmi: 46.5
this week's bmi: 45.6

hips don't lie, but what about my pants?

so this week i've begun sporting the ever so unpopular fashion of sagging pants at work. even my low rise panties are peeking over the top of my black dress pants. now i've had this particular pair of pants for nearly a year now. & they've seen me as low as 259, when i thought i'd have to wear safety pins to work or, *dreaded gasp* spend another freakin 50 bucks on dress pants for work. they've also seen me up around 283 when i was considering joining the line up of the vikes just so i could hang out with people in my same weight class.

they're also the kind of pants that fit well right out of the dryer & then stretch a bit & get loose with a half day or so of wear. so i can't tell if they're just tired & giving up because of the fact that they're not dryer fresh today, or if i really am losing weight. but they've lied to me in the past before, or at least fibbed a bit, so i'm definitely hesitant to base too much optimism on my loose fitting pants.

wish me luck on the weigh in, 'cause i'm gonna be uber upset if my pants are playing mind games with me. yes yes yes, i know, you must be smarter than your clothing.

& a nice hearty farm welcome. . . .

. . . .to angel, the newest member of our farm people challange. she also works with myself, jenn & jen, so it'll be interesting come treat fridays here at cube-ville.

two days til weigh in

& i'll admit that i'm a bit nervous. i've had some pretty heavy issues, no pun intended, going on in my personal life which have made the whole diet & exercise thing not so much of a priority, which it really should be, because i'm doing this whole misadventure to try to make myself healthier. & i am totally worth being priority number one in my life (but don't tell my puppy walker or kitty cleo, they both have delusions of being #1 on my list).

i'm back on track, or, at least i can see the track now. i did work out yesterday morning & this morning, & the fabulous miss jenn & i will be hitting the Y tonight for a post work workout. i even picked up a small am/fm radio today so that i can listen to the biggest loser on the tv at the Y while i do my workout. so probably exercise bike or treadmill for me tonight since they're within viewing distance of the tv. & the ellipticals are not in view of the nbc tv. yes, i know, bad habit to plan my workout based on which piece of equipment has the best view of the tv, but better than noshing on junk food while sitting on my fat ass at home watching biggest loser, right?

so today i'm trying to get myself all psyched up as i do an ass check in the mirror at work & i said to myself "yo self, if you get into the 260's, like under 263, before thanksgiving then you can have a piece of pie." & then i spent about three hours dreaming about pie & what kind of pie i would get, would it be from baker's square, maybe something choc-gasmic, or maybe my mom's homemade lemon meringue if she makes it, or the lemon dream cake/pie at jack's aunt's if we go over there, trust me, the fantasies i had about pie today are obscene, to say the least. at best they were food porn.

& then, while wiping some stray drool from my chin after a particularly detailed vision of lemon dream pie, i realized, "so, i'm motivating myself to work out, eat healthy, & lose weight by fantasizing about diving mouth first into a pie?" yeah, didn't make much sense to me either, & so i took a mental step back & realized, perhaps another reward should be in order. i've been rewarded with food my whole life, by my parents, grand parents, school, & even work that i've gotten so acclimated to food being the result of good: behavior, test scores, work habits, or just 'cause it's a tuesday. not that i'm placing blame elsewhere, cause it has been my pudgy hands shoveling the sweets into my face for the last decade & a half or so, anything under about 14 i think my parents could've made significant changes, but that's neither here nor there.

so pies. i mean rewards. since torrid is my favoritist place in the whole wide word, i'm thinking of letting myself get some snarky new tee the weekend after thanksgiving if i can get below the mythical 263, or maybe 262 since the ocd math part of me likes it better 'cause it's a palindrome. & i'm sure torrid will have some fabulous diva sales that weekend. the mall will be hellacious for parking, but then again, torrid my dear, torrid!

as for friday, i'll work out, choke down my stinkin' lean cuisine, & see which way the scales tip. & miss jenn is dragging me to body pump tomorrow morning, which means i'll be sore & cranky by 7:05 am. but, totally not related, ks95 is going birthday bucks again starting tomorrow, so hopefully they'll call out my birthday & i can score myself five grand. ah, that would be lovely right now.