playin the game, baby

even though i really want to lose weight for my health & all those good reasons, i've lost sight of the fact that this farm people thing IS a game, & i haven't really been playing the game. i've been letting my little wants & desires for food & temporary satisfaction get in the way of the longer goal of kicking my competitor's butts & grinning like the cheshire cat on christmas day when i've got their money to keep me warm. hehehehehe.

so miss jenn slid into first place this past friday pushing me down to second as i gained weight & she lost. but i'm not even ticked or irked or anything like that towards her, but more disappointed in myself for not having the strength & the will power & the fortitude to put my chubby nose to the grindstone & push myself to win.

part of what's been mind-fucking me is the fact that i know that i need to lose weight to feel better & i want to do it, but i'm sacred that if i lose too much then my doctor won't send in a referral for the gastric bypass & that if i lose too much the surgery center will say that i need some more time to try this whole caper on my own.

then again, i have been trying pretty hard lately, & in the month since i was at hcmc last & my appointment last thursday i had only lost two pounds. two mother freakin pounds. yeah, that really made me a sad panda. i worked hard, ate mainly only those stupid lean cuisine meals & all of that work results in a two pound loss in one month. now isn't that a kick in the teeth! at that rate it would take me well over four years to lose the weight that i need to lose.

in either case, this is a competition & i've been lax. but this weekend i did change things up a bit. i went to the Y on saturday with the fabulous jenn & did a butt kicking hour & a half work out. we did cardio in two forms: elliptical & rowing machine, then weights & stretching. i was a bit sore sunday, but it was well worth it because it also made me eat less the rest of the day even though i was on a mini road trip. & i even woke myself up early sunday to do a 45 minute workout in the hotel gym & a nice relaxing soak in the hot tub before we had to get back on the road to head north.

so i'm going into thanksgiving week strong, now i just need to keep up my momentum & motivation so that come turkey day i'm not tempted to gorge myself & ruin all the hard work that i have been doing. besides, turkey day is the day before weigh in. & i need to pull a loss this week. can't let jenn get too far ahead of me.