oh, & how we have fallen, m'dear

yeah, so i've pretty much taken a huge break from reality, workouts, eating healthy, & every other damn thing. maybe this is why i continually fail at this whole thing, 'cause it's fucking hard to do. not like i'm trying to be a huge whiney baby, but it is so freakin difficult.

intellectually i know i'll feel better by being better to my body. & by actually living the model of using food for fuel & not recreation. if i expect my body to perform well for me than i need to give it good fuel, & while they taste yummy, twinkies & snickers bars are not good fuel, they're the equivalent of putting used chicken grease in your toyata to get an extra .7 miles per gallon. not at all worth it, except in this case the nasty crap makes my mpg worse, not better. blech.

i feel like i go in cycles of doing well with my workouts & everything, then it all goes to shit & i'm eating badly & not working out & just in general doing very bad things to myself. & by bad i mean all the self destructive habits mentioned thus far: junk food, candy, ice cream, no workouts, all that crap. maybe there's something inside me fighting my attempts to be healthy. something very strong that is preventing me from making all these changes permanent.

the closer it gets to the end of this competition, the closer it gets to my possible surgery date, & the more panicked i feel. like a wild rabbit standing alone in the middle of a backyard with a black lab licking its chops & creeping my way. i know that dog can out run me without really trying, but holding still doesn't help either, & my heart is beating a million beats a minute, praying for some kind of reprieve of the whole goddamn thing.