& it's on, biyatch?

i'm not sure why, but this time the challenge seems to be so much harder for me. we're not even a week into the damn thing & i'm feeling very discouraged. i'm thinking that maybe it's because this time there is so much more on the line for me. it's not just about the money, although it'd be nice 'cause then i'd be able to get the pink ipod nano i've been lusting after. but i've told myself that it IS this or surgery. & with every day that passes i seem to be more assured that i am going to fail to lose weight on my own, despite the fact that i had done fairly well on my own two years ago.

since the official end of the first challenge the friday before christmas i've gained back most of the weight i'd lost, which, wasn't that much at all. a measly 8lbs in twelve weeks. seriously gang, twelve weeks, i should've at least been able to lose 12lbs. but no, it was 8, almost 9, for the whole thing. that's pathetic.

this week has been super bad for me. i did go & work out 4 of the 5 days this past week, which is pretty good, but just about every day i wound up going home & snacking. & trust me, it wasn't celery sticks dipped in fucking salsa. it was cookies, or chips, or whatever other fatty &/or sugary snack happened to be in my line of eye sight. it's like i'm purposely TRYING to sabotage myself so that i will be forced into surgery. which fucking sucks.

at this point i just don't know what to do. it's not like this is some dumb sex bet ala seinfeld, this is serious, it's the rest of my life, my health, my quality of life. & i can't seem to get control again after christmas.

so what has this taught us? NO BINGING FOR HOLIDAYS. EVER. NO MATTER WHAT. basically, eat your carrot sticks & shut the fuck up.